Hasty Ruminations

TOP TEN:
WORST FIRST LINE OF A NOVEL

These are the 10 winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel. Victorian author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton is famous–or is it infamous?–for writing the novel that began “It was a dark and stormy night.” (http:// www. tomcoyner .com/top_10_bulwer.htm)

10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.

9. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.

8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face
framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description.

7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall:
Andre creep… Andre creep… Andre creep.

6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to
give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman
he loved.

5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a
living at a local pet store.

4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

3. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains
of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word fear,
a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death — in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER IS…

1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess,
hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, “You lied!”

“DON’T GET MARRIED.

Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.”

————

“I am so sexy that there’s a support group for my stalkers.”

Now here’s an idea.

What if we put a whole bunch of Batman roller coasters along the U.S./Mexican border? And surrounded them with double fences. With signs saying “Keep Out” and “Peligro!”

Would that cut down on the illegal immigration numbers?

You’re right: Wouldn’t work without a booth selling cheap baseball caps.

All the news that fits, we print.
——–
Amy Winehouse sang her lungs out at Nelson Mandela’s birthday party. Then, she punched a fan.
——–
Cops expect us to believe that a headless teenager went under a Batman roller coaster to retrieve his hat. Nice try, except… what use would that guy have for a hat?
——–
Exxon and the other big U.S. oil companies are quietly ecstatic over the record high prices for oil. Now, Congress expects them to celebrate over some new bills to open the U.S. coastline and the wildlife refuge to oil exploration. Congress says pump more oil, lower the price. Uh, wait. If they just do nothing, they will make MORE money. Hey, Feds, just look up the number of idle wells on U.S. productive oilfields now. Let alone all of the shale oil we have which are untapped.  Nope; about the only one who would believe that malarky is a headless teen.

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, ‘Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.’

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including the French and Americans. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying ‘Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?’

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: ‘Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 5,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.

”We are sending one such ship to help; how many will France send?’

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included men from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, ‘whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.’

He then asked, ‘Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?’

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied ‘Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.’

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE…

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

‘You have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

‘Then you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready.’

The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’

‘Impossible. Americans always have to show passports on arrival in France!’

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long, hard look. Then he quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.’

You could have heard a pin drop.

With a big flourish, the Supreme Court yesterday prohibited imposing the death penalty on child rapists. Only in cases of murder, treason and espionage, they said.

States Attorneys General and Governors of six states vowed to keep writing laws permitting the practice. They said that their constitutents demand – “Ah say, DE-MAND it!!” – that the death penalty remain on the books for severe child abuse including rape.

No doubt, these perps are the lowest of the low, and the least deserving of mercy. But I’m told that most child rapes are committed by family members: cousins, fathers, uncles, grandfathers, step-fathers, etc.  I’m concerned that the victims and their families will refuse to cooperate if they know that they will be responsible for sending a relative to the death house.

At the moment, nationwide, two – count ‘em, two – men are on death row – both in Louisana – for child rape. That seems like a pretty small population for everyone to get their tu-tu’s tied in a bunch. That’s like ruling that wild pandas in Maine can eat all the bamboo they want – despite the fact that Maine has no pandas, and no bamboo.

I also think that “life” on death row is pretty grim. Death is an unearned release from severe boredom, total isolation and misery, and from prison life, for these cretins, I think.  They will suffer more in prison, if that’s the goal.

Father Pfleger in Chicago criticized Hillary Clinton from the pulpit as thinking she had a “white right” to the presidency. The Archbishop of Chicago silenced him for ten days.

This guy has been in and out of trouble with the Church for twenty or thirty years. Pfleger now says he knows that he has to be more careful about what he says from the pulpit.

“You know, I was at a church family that I’ve spoken to many times, that I know well, and I think when you’re around family, you’re looser, you’re friendlier,” he said. “And, um, do you get carried away? Do you get more dramatic? Do you get caught up in the crowd when you’re around your friends and your family? Absolutely. And I acknowledge that, and I over-dramatize, and I get carried away, no question.”

Why did the Cardinal Archbishop of Chicago let Pfleger off so lightly? Politics, probably. Just like he and his fellow church leaders ignored, covered up and apologised for the priest sex abuse scandals of the past years. Instead of standing up, firing bad people, and referring them to civil charges.

More Pflegers will come out of THEIR closet until bishops show some manhood, fire them and condemn them.

So, Martha Stewart cannot get a visa from the U.S. to England, because of her conviction for insider trading.

And, Boy George cannot get a visa from England to the U.S. because he’s charged with kidnapping a Norwegian male escort and holding him prisoner.

(Boy George is the one on the right.)

So, maybe a prisoner exchange. Boy George can come to the U.S. and play a concert, and Martha can go to England for business, PROVIDED:
- Boy George must return to England right away.
- Martha Stewart must stay in England.

Yep. This can work.

I am told not to speak ill of the dead.

So I won’t. Many like sophomoric humor, and to laugh in nervous embarrassment, and he could be wry. He was in line to receive a Mark Twain humor reward this summer, believe it or not.

To see what others thought, who are less inhibited than I, please see the Comments.

A couple of favorite bumper stickers:

“Don’t make me come down there!” -God

and

“The one about ‘love one another’? I really meant that.” -God